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Forgiveness

            As most people know, I have been given the “gift” of gab.  Most days I am able to keep it in check, but there are times that my mouth runs and my brain tries desperately to catch up.  There have been a few times in recent weeks that my mouth has gotten the best of me.  Because of this, I find myself having to apologize and picking up the pieces of the disaster my words have caused.
            I spent some time today reflecting on these situations.  Not just recently, but also the situations from my past.  I started to play the typical game of “I should have said this” or “I should have done that.”  Then I think what kind of outcome it could have led to.  Perhaps that person would still be talking to me if I would have reacted differently.  Maybe I could have avoided that fight with my wife if I had responded this way.  I think you get the gist.
            In doses, this is good.  It’s always good to learn from our mistakes.  But for me, it has quickly turned into negative thoughts.  I have spent so much time dwelling on my past, that all I can glean from it is the negatives.  The last few days it has gotten to the point where I can’t do anything without the voices of previous conversations rolling through my head.
            This morning, I started to get so down, that I had to turn to God.  I don’t know why I didn’t turn to Him to begin with.  The only question that I could hear from Him was simple; Michael, did you ask for forgiveness from those people?  I could feel my heart start to slow.  Well, yeah I have tried.  Some took my apologies and others threw it back at me.  Then you have done your part.
            I was confused.  Was that it?  Nope!  After a few minutes of letting the question sink in, God revealed the next steps as I was working.  Now Michael, have you forgiven yourself?  BAM!  It took me a few seconds to metaphorically pick myself up off the ground and flop back into my chair.
            I get so hard and down on myself that I forget the next step of the forgiveness process; forgiving myself.  This is obviously the harder part of the process.  Although I do not have any current words of wisdom on the subject, I do know that it can take time to forgive yourself; especially depending on the graveness of the act.
What I have discovered is that when I have forgiven myself, it normally incorporates laughter.  Being able to laugh at myself helps me realize that my prior actions (although good ways to correct future behavior) should not rule my life.

“To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” –William Arthur Ward

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