Why can't I be more open/vulnerable with my wife?

I’ll be honest folks; over the years I never really paid attention to blogs that people would post on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere.  I would just glance over it and read the next small snippet on my wall.  For that, I want to apologize for all those who blog.  It wasn't until recently that I found joy in writing in my spare time.  I never thought about blogging per say, but more short stories and things of that nature.  Then as I was reading a few blogs the other day, I decided that I would give it a try.  With the permission and encouragement I have received from my wife, I would like to use this forum to tell my story and a little bit of Bri’s as we navigate through our life.

For my first post, I would like to focus on something God has been seriously convicting me of lately.  As most of you know, I am a pretty open book.  I normally tell people how I am feeling and what I am thinking for the most part.  I enjoy being liked and hate making enemies; but that’s a topic for a different post.  Per a conversation I had recently with Bri, I am becoming more self-aware that I do not always tell her how I feel or what I am thinking.  Now I am sure most women are already saying, “Yeah my man does that too” or “yeah why is that” while the guys are saying “yeah so,” or perhaps I am one of the few.

I have found myself trying to understand this about myself.  Why do I find it so easy to converse with a coworker about something that bothers me or even what God is showing me in my life but I stay mute when it comes to revealing the same thing to my wife?  Isn’t this one of the reasons I married her; because I can be open and honest with her?  Is it because I am scared?  Scared of what she will think if my viewpoint or feelings don’t in line with hers.

I first thought the second question to be true.  I do find myself fearful of what Bri will say to me, but I am fearful for the wrong reasons.  My wife is a very smart woman.  She loves God and knows more about His Word than I have ever dreamed of.  At the root of it, I am fearful that Bri will speak truth into my life or show me in God’s word what I should cling to (like passage of scripture).  You’re probably thinking, “Mike you are an IDIOT!  Why would you be afraid of such a thing?” 

And you are absolutely right!  Why am I?!  It’s because I feel that as the head of my household, I should be the more spiritually sound person.  I think that I should be the one spouting off scripture to her and telling her about God’s love and mercy, etc. and not the other way around.  OBVIOUSLY this is ridiculous thinking on my part BUT it is how I processed the situation.  I need to allow my wife to carry out Hebrews 3:13, “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”  By withholding my thoughts and feelings from my wife, she is unable to know what is going on with me and therefore unable to encourage me in Christ!  And then I become more hardened by sin’s deceit; i.e. I’m not good enough for her!

Okay, so I found the root of the problem, now how do I fix it? “NOT SO FAST MIKE!” I can hear God telling me.  There is another layer to this situation that goes a little deeper.  I could tell I wasn't at the end of the string I was pulling.  Yes I knew what scripture had to say about the fact; I needed to share with my wife what was going on because we were a team and were bonded as one through marriage, but there was something else.  What was it?

Then it finally came to me; and by came to me I mean God punched me in my gut!  What effort was I making to become a better spiritual leader of my household?  Was I getting up every morning and reading my Bible? No.  Was I praying with my wife before work or bedtime? No.  Was I praying myself? Most days yes.  Was I doing my part in connecting with God by truly seeking Him? Sadly no.  I can remember a time in my life when I was fully seeking God and His will for my life, but suddenly “stuff” got in the way.  I got married, got a “big boy” job, and had kids.  I thought my focus should be on those things.

I can pray and pray all I want for God to make me a better leader and spiritual head of my family, church, and work, but I too need to make conscious steps on my own.  I need to carve out time to fully invest in God’s word.  I need to pray out loud with my wife.  She is the sounding board that God has given me to help me through this life.  I need to utilize her more as an iron.  Two scriptures came to mind; Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” And Deuteronomy 22:10, “Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.”  As Bri and I grow closer to the Lord, we in turn grow closer together.

So in layman’s terms, Mike, get off your butt and seek the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.  I have started going to a leadership workshop on Wednesday night and God instilled this in me even AFTER I started to write this blog.  We studied King Josiah last night.  Just to give you the spark notes; Josiah became king when he was 8 years old (EIGHT) and around his 26^th birthday they were fixing and rebuilding part of the temple.  During this process, they discovered the book of the covenant (Deuteronomy) that included all the laws of Moses.  After reading the book, Josiah ripped his clothes in sorrow because he read about an angry God that would destroy His people if they did not obey his commands. 

Instead of sitting around, Josiah took action and called all of his people and read to everyone the book of the law.  He then took it upon himself and renewed the covenant.  Then you see his people follow in his footsteps and renew it as well.  Then the most important thing happened; Josiah destroyed everything that was ungodly in his land.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  It specifically says that Josiah took his people and went around to different ungodly pillars, temples, priests, and shrines and tore them down, grounded everything to powder and burnt it ALL.  You see, Josiah carried out the TURNING away from sin and tried to rid his entire country of things that God specifically said was against His will.  2 Kings 23:25 says, “Neither before nor after Josiah was there a king like him who turned to the Lord as he did—with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his strength, in accordance with all the Law of Moses.”  I want to be like that.  I want to be so convicted of things that I turn from everything that would cause me to sin AND prune the things FROM my life that might cause me to sin in the future.

I came across another verse today that gave me chills.  It is 1 John 1:6, “If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.” Immediately after reading this verse I could hear Bon Jovi singing, “Shot through the heart…” Just wow.  I have been so lazy and choosing to walk in the dark that I have been living a lie.  I think it is time to take a step back into the light and seek the ONE and TRUE God. 

Verse 7 goes on to say, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.”  If I walk in the light, not only am I living a life that is pleasing and accordance with God’s plan for me, but it says right here that we will have fellowship with one another.  You can interpret it in many ways but the way I read this in my situation is, “Mike if you start living a life the way I called you to live it, then your relationship with your wife will grow deeper and wider than ever.” 

Thank you Lord for revealing this simple yet important truth in my life.  May I cling to these words and pursue you like King Josiah; with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength.  Amen.